SLOOSH (Federal Dive Sticks Ban)

On June 11, 2026, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued Recall 26-536 — a mandatory stop on 254,000 units of Joyin Sloosh Dive Sticks, model 40041, on the grounds that they violate the Federal Dive Sticks Ban by exceeding the compress limit, thereby posing an impalement hazard to children. The five hard plastic, cylinder-shaped sticks — seven inches long, sold in cheerful 30-piece Sloosh water toy packages from Amazon, Temu, Wayfair, Target, and SHEIN — were distributed between February 2019 and October 2025 for $17 to $22. Zero injuries were reported. The remedy: dispose of the dive sticks, photograph them in the trash, and email the photo to Joyin at support@joyin.com to receive redesigned, regulation-compliant replacements.

The word "SLOOSH" is objectively the most joyful sound in the English language. It evokes splashing, summer afternoons, children shrieking with delight in three feet of water. The phrase "impalement hazard" is, objectively, the least joyful phrase in the English language. When the Consumer Product Safety Commission placed these two things in the same sentence — formally, in a legal government document — the only appropriate response was death metal. Every lyric in this song is drawn verbatim or near-verbatim from the official CPSC recall notice: the unit count, the retail channels, the hazard description, the remedy instructions, the recall number. The bridge breakdown — dispose of the dive sticks / take a photo in the trash / email to support at Joyin dot com — is pure, unedited bureaucratic procedure delivered as a mosh-pit breakdown. The chorus hook, "SLOOSH — IMPALEMENT HAZARD," is simply what the government said, screamed back at full volume.

[Verse 1] Joyin US Corp. of Chandler, Arizona Model forty-thousand-forty-one Five hard plastic cylinders of doom Sold on Amazon, Temu, Wayfair — your children CANNOT RUN

Cylinder-shaped, seven inches long One inch or less in diameter — so WRONG Sold on Target Plus and SHEIN dot com February two-thousand-nineteen — the terror had BEGUN

[Pre-Chorus] Two hundred fifty-four thousand units UNLEASHED Sixteen dollars to twenty-two — the BEAST Zero injuries reported — SO FAR But the Federal Dive Sticks Ban says YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR

[Chorus] SLOOSH — IMPALEMENT HAZARD SLOOSH — EXCEED THE COMPRESS LIMIT SLOOSH — FEDERAL DIVE STICKS BAN SLOOSH — VIOLATION — THEY CANNOT WITHSTAND

IN SHALLOW WATER — CHILDREN MAY FALL LANDING ON THE STICK — THE SLOOSH CLAIMS ALL SERIOUS PIERCING INJURIES AWAIT FACIAL AND EYE INJURIES — SEAL YOUR FATE

[Verse 2] The Sloosh is cylinder-shaped, hard plastic, lurking below Seven inches of non-compliant death in the undertow Attempting to retrieve the sticks underwater Facial injuries — RECALL NUMBER TWENTY-SIX DASH FIVE-THREE-SIX

Manufactured in China — distributed coast to coast Joyin had NOTHING TO SAY about the impalement they host October twenty-third, twenty-twenty-five — the cutoff But two-hundred-fifty-four-thousand units — still can't get enough

[Pre-Chorus] The compress limit — VIOLATED The federal ban — DESECRATED Stop using the dive sticks IMMEDIATELY Take them away from children — set the pool toys FREE

[Chorus] SLOOSH — IMPALEMENT HAZARD SLOOSH — EXCEED THE COMPRESS LIMIT SLOOSH — FEDERAL DIVE STICKS BAN SLOOSH — VIOLATION — THEY CANNOT WITHSTAND

IN SHALLOW WATER — CHILDREN MAY FALL LANDING ON THE STICK — THE SLOOSH CLAIMS ALL SERIOUS PIERCING INJURIES AWAIT FACIAL AND EYE INJURIES — SEAL YOUR FATE

[Bridge - Breakdown] DISPOSE OF THE DIVE STICKS DISPOSE OF THE DIVE STICKS TAKE A PHOTO IN THE TRASH EMAIL TO SUPPORT AT JOYIN DOT COM THEY WILL SEND REDESIGNED STICKS THAT MEET FEDERAL REGULATIONS BUT THE SLOOSH — THE SLOOSH — WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN TWO-HUNDRED-FIFTY-FOUR-THOUSAND UNITS — ROTTING

[Verse 3] The other items in the thirty-piece package remain UNSCATHED Only the five dive sticks violated — only they must be FLAYED Email your photo proof of destruction to the corporation Receive compliant replacements — this is your SALVATION

[Final Chorus] SLOOSH — IMPALEMENT HAZARD SLOOSH — EXCEED THE COMPRESS LIMIT SLOOSH — FEDERAL DIVE STICKS BAN SLOOSH — VIOLATION — THEY CANNOT WITHSTAND

IN SHALLOW WATER — CHILDREN MAY FALL LANDING ON THE STICK — THE SLOOSH CLAIMS ALL SERIOUS PIERCING INJURIES AWAIT FACIAL AND EYE INJURIES — SEAL YOUR FATE

[Outro - Spoken/Growled] Recall number... twenty-six... dash... five... three... six... Joyin US Corp. of Chandler... Arizona... Stop using... the dive sticks... immediately... SLOOSH